I got scared, started going to AA meetings, and managed to stay sober for 6 years. The problem was, I didn’t bother to learn the fundamentals of the program.

Then I met a guy, and we ended up living together for 15 years. He wasn’t clean and I got back into booze, started snorting coke and became addicted to crack cocaine.

In 1999, I checked myself into a psych ward, where I stayed for a month. Up to that point, I had successfully run my own property management company for 11 years. Until addiction took me under, I’d been a self-supporting, productive member of society who paid a lot of taxes. I had never needed public assistance, not even employment insurance. I had a lovely duplex in West Point Grey, that at one point I owned.

After I left the psych ward, I stopped working and went on government disability. So not only was I no longer a productive member of society, but I’d now become a drain.

The Turning Point

By 2002, I was desperately ill. I had become a recluse, spent all my time in my bedroom and hadn’t really left my house for 2 years. I had a dope dealer who came to my place and I’d occasionally stumble down the lane to the liquor store. I had remortgaged my duplex so much that it was in foreclosure. My son was away at university in Montreal. My partner would leave for work and had no idea I was buying dope and booze on my own. He would bring dope home at night after work, and I’d basically snatch my share from him and crawl up to my room.

I had pancreatitis, which is an unbelievably painful condition that I’d developed as a direct result of the years of alcohol abuse. The booze was killing my pancreas. I’d been hospitalized 10 times at UBC hospital with it and each time it was the same thing: I’d swear I wouldn’t drink, but I’d last 4 hours, tops, before I’d start drinking again.

The turning point for me came in September 2002. I had two recent, serious suicide attempts: I’d tried to OD on pills and then I shot myself. I just couldn’t bear the way I was living and thought I was so far gone that no one could help me. I have no memory of taking the pills - I just remember waking up in the ER. But to this day I vividly recall shooting myself: my hand was shaking so badly that the gun ripped up the roof of my mouth. I was lucky –the gunpowder charge in the bullet was old, and I ended up with a broken jaw.

I got so desperate that I even tried calling the Betty Ford Centre in California. They basically laughed at me and told me I didn’t “qualify” (it’s $1800 a day). Then I remembered one of the doctors I’d gotten to know from my many trips to the ER. God, I hated him. Before he gave me the morphine he’d always talk to me, tell me I was worth so much more than that, and then give me this bright yellow pamphlet in case I decided I wanted to “make a change.” I knew if I ripped through all my stuff I’d find it – and I did. On September 23, 2002, I entered Vancouver Detox, which is a medical withdrawal management unit with a doctor and a nurse on staff.

I found out about Charlford House through Vancouver Detox – they gave me a book that listed all the available recovery facilities. By the time I cut out all the ones that sounded religious, I
was left with Charlford. Don’t ask me why I was being so fussy when my life was basically ending.

My Time at Charlford House

I left detox October 8, 2002. I was very lucky – there just happened to be an opening at Charlford, and I went there directly from detox.

When I arrived at Charlford I was in very rough physical shape. I am 5 foot 8, and at that time I weighed 79 pounds. My nickname there was Shakey: I had so much neurological damage, at first I couldn’t pick up a knife and fork, not even a glass – I had to eat with my fingers. Once I was at Charlford House, I was also diagnosed with respiratory problems – I’d had bronchitis and severe diabetes.

From day 1, I looked forward to being up and out of there, but by the time I left, it was with great regret, because it had become a safe home for me.

Charlford had complete structure: I was told when to get up, what to do next, what meeting I was going to. The simple fact was that there was no argument: I got up, made my bed, did my chore, etc. At first it was a real burden – I was older than the other women, wasn’t physically well, and left to my own devices I would have slept all the time. But it’s a no-nonsense program: no one is forcing you to be there: you either do what you’re told or you can choose to leave.

My health improved dramatically at Charlford. I slept when I was supposed to sleep, was fed healthy, good food and got lots of fresh air and exercise. My respiratory problems, which had been a result of malnourishment, went away. By the time I left, I weighed nearly 110 pounds and could walk blocks and blocks.

The cool part of Charlford, for me, is that you’re in it with a bunch of other women who are going through the exact same thing. Some of them you like, some of them you can’t stand, but you are civil and polite to each other. When I was going through the 12 steps, if I got stuck, I could just run to my contemporaries in the house and ask for their feedback. The longer I stayed there, the more I was willing to do that.
One of my happiest memories of Charlford is my first Christmas there. Christmas is a hard time for lots of people. I had zero expectations for Christmas at Charlford. But it ended up being just magical and filled with love. Some of the women had children who slept over Christmas Eve. Christmas morning, the Program Director showed up with a Santa hat on and handed out presents to everyone. The kids got Christmas presents from the Christmas Bureau. I sure wasn’t expecting presents, but I still remember, I got a coffee mug and one of those executive binders. Another woman (who ended up being one of my closest friends) got a pair of slippers. To this day, she still says “They were real leather, you know.” Dinner was amazing – we all worked together to make a big turkey feast.

My favourite part of Charlford, though, also happened to be a very painful experience at the time. It was about three months into my stay when I finally “got” the 12 steps and understood what I had to do if I wanted to stay sober.

I had the gift of the gab and thought I could convince the younger women that I knew better than them. I created a situation where I did things “my way” when the staff wasn’t around. Unfortunately, I’d convinced myself that I knew better than the rules of the house. Well, I got called on my behaviour and one day, everything that I had done that was deceitful and dishonest came out in group. After a rough few days of thinking that I had to leave, I had this total epiphany – this was the first time that I really, truly regretted what I’d done, and could see the harm I’d caused other people.

Being caught and called on my wrongdoings was my favourite part of my stay. I could have easily left, pretended that I knew what I was doing, and I probably would have quickly relapsed. All the work I’d done in writing and journaling through the 12 steps had taught me a tangible way to integrate it into my life.

Leaving Charlford

After about 4 months at Charlford, I felt I was ready to transition myself back into the real world. It was tough – I felt like I’d lost everything: I had no job, no home, and had to start all over again.

The staff at Charlford helped give me the confidence to leave and find a place of my own – the attitude was that everyone else was doing it, and I could do it too. It helped that I could return as often as I needed to - I found I could easily stay connected with my support network at the house.

As it turned out, one of the other women was also leaving at the same time and we ended up sharing a basement suite about 6 blocks away from the house. It was a time of great transition and fear. But my roommate was amazing – we understood what the other was going through, and there was a lot of laughter. Charlford taught me to create a support network and to stay close to the people who understand what I’m going through. Isolation is deadly for an addict – it’s so easy to slip right back into the old habits.

I found work within about 6 weeks. I lucked into a job through one of the admin staff at Charlford and started doing part-time bookkeeping for a plumbing and heating company.

From the work I did with the plumbing and heating company, I started to take on other clients. I knew I wanted to work for myself, on my own schedule.

Where are you now?

I’ve been sober for 6 and a half years – I took my 6-year cake on September 23, 2008. For the first few years I stayed very close to the house. I initially had a volunteer position there, and then was invited to be on the board of directors.

By December 2008 I felt comfortable enough with my recovery to leave the Lower Mainland and I moved to a small community on Vancouver Island. I wanted to live nearer to my son and my first grandchild, who was born in January. The move to has been huge for me. What’s really cool about Charlford is that I have a program of recovery that I can take with me wherever I go.

Since my first job with the plumbing and heating business, I’ve built up a clientele of small businesses for whom I provide office management, bookkeeping and billing services. I work from home on my own computer.

I have committed to chairing a women-only NA meeting every Wednesday at the women’s transition center in my new home town. It’s very cool – there is a very intimate group of women.

I just adopted a beagle named Roxie. I am happy.

Closing Thoughts

I passionately believe that, with addiction, there is this finite, small period of time where, for whatever reason, you say: that’s it, I’m done, I need help. And what if the help isn’t there? You may have to wait 3 weeks to get a bed in detox, or there is a waiting list to get into Charlford. And where do the addicts wait? Where they’ve always been – with other addicts.

Addiction wastes millions of dollars every year but it costs pennies to get people out of it. Some of my friends who went through Charlford with me have since relapsed. But my first roommate out of Charlford has been paying top dollar taxes for 5 and a half years. Another friend just graduated from university and is about to become a schoolteacher. These were people who were stealing, on welfare, in the hospital. Even if recovered addicts never significantly contribute to the tax base, they still save taxpayers millions of dollars in medical expenses. When you’re loaded all the time you get into lots of accidents and have tons of health problems.

What makes Charlford so special is that it is in a nice residential neighbourhood – away from all the temptation an addict faces. So many places to help addicts are right in the drug zone. How the hell is an addict going to stay clean when everyone she used with, dealt to, bought from, is all around her? I run into a lot of people at meetings who are just getting by at the skin of their teeth – they want to get clean but they’re living in a war zone.

Now I have a safety net and it would take me awhile to find drugs and get loaded. Charlford helped me get myself out of the cycle of drug abuse – I got my sanity back.

The legacy of Charlford is that you get to “own” yourself. I learned that I don’t have to be devastated by life, or retaliate in kind. I discovered that it’s true – once you get clean, for good, your life will transform and you can achieve your dreams. It’s never too late.

*not her real name

The Turning Point

I wasn’t truly clean when I was on methadone – I didn’t go to any meetings or try to work through the 12 steps. I just pretended. Eventually I screwed up and got back into drugs. I’d been living in the West End in BC Housing for 5 years, but we got evicted. It had been seven years since my last criminal conviction and I had just applied for a pardon when I got arrested for trafficking. My daughter was taken away from me and placed in care. Frankly, the only reason I decided to do detox was because I didn’t want to go to back to jail.

I went to Cordova Detox, which is where I found out about Charlford House. I wanted to go to a recovery house where I was allowed to see my daughter. At Charlford, kids could visit on weekends. I didn’t know much about Charlford except that it had a reputation as being a boot camp, a 24/7 recovery with no TV and no outside literature. To be honest, a lot of addicts don’t want to go to Charlford because of that. I didn’t initially want to go there.

The woman at detox who referred me to Charlford was an alumnus. She told me that it was a good house to go to – it was going to be rough, but if I truly wanted to get clean, that was where I could do it.

I entered detox on October 10 and was discharged October 25. There was a waitlist at Charlford, which was a bit stressful. Basically I had to call there every day and hope they’d say there was a spot for me. I had nowhere to go, so I stayed on a friend’s couch. She didn’t really want me to stay with her, but she let me, and I’m so grateful, because I would have easily picked up drugs in a shelter. After calling every day for nearly 2 weeks, I got into Charlford.

My time at Charlford House

I brought with me the clothes on my back, some photos of my daughter, one bag with some toiletries, my medications, and not much else. Everything valuable I owned was in hock and the rest was in storage.

I was allowed to bring in a journal but not any outside literature. When you get there they go through everything in your bag. I brought my cell phone, which they put in storage - they have a storage locker for your valuables, jewelry and money.

I’d been to two other recovery houses before Charlford. The first one was over a decade ago, and it was a total joke, it was so lax. The other one was in the summer of 2007 – I was allowed to have a cell phone and could go home on weekends, which wasn’t good because I was with someone actively using.

The thing about Charlford is that there’s no room to manipulate – which is what addicts do. Someone is always there with you – you don’t go anywhere alone.

When you first start you’re on three weeks retreat – no phone, no visits, no mail and no contact from outside of the house. It gave me time to get used to the routines – there are chores to do, group sessions every morning, steps to work on and lots of journaling. I also had a chance to get to know the other women – you’re kind of forced to, which was good for me, because I can be a bit of a loner sometimes.

God, I had such a bad attitude at the beginning. I thought I was so tough, I knew better than everyone else there, blah blah blah. Luckily for me, though, I was in with a great, stable group of women who accepted me and helped me along. Most of the women stayed through their contracts and even longer.

A couple of months into it, at around steps 3 and 4, I became more open and willing and I started to really get into it. Seeing the alumni come back to the house gave me hope. I can be the world’s best procrastinator and find any excuse not to do something. Being at Charlford forced me to go through the 12 steps, and really do them. I realized that I truly wanted to be clean.

I let myself be vulnerable, to really feel and go through stuff. The group meetings that they have every morning are the best, because you’re called on your crap. Sometimes it feels like you’re being attacked, but it’s only because the other women care about you and don’t want you to be asked to leave.

Christmas was hard, but I got to have my daughter with me. We went caroling, which was cool, since I’d never been before. We had a Christmas Open House, and I got to bake for the first time. It was a difficult time. I had never been in recovery at Christmas. It was pretty interesting and fun, though, to have Christmas morning with the other women and their families – there were probably 6 or 7 kids there for Christmas.

As I progressed, I was gradually given more and more responsibility. I became the morning chore checker, which was hard because I didn’t want to cause friction with the other women. I usually preferred to joke about things and avoid confrontation. At the same time, though, it was my home, and I felt responsible for keeping things up to standard.

Then I graduated to doing shadow shifts, which means that you get to stay home from meetings at night and hang out with alumni and write in your journal. It was an honour, and I was proud of myself. I ended up spending 6 months at Charlford.

Leaving Charlford

I was really nervous about leaving. I hadn’t been out in the real world for six months. Plus I hadn’t been this clean, ever. I had even quit smoking.

For me, leaving had a lot to do with getting my daughter back. I had talked to the ministry and was hoping to have her back by August, before school started.

When you leave Charlford you have to write out a plan. My plan was to call my daughter every day, call my sponsor every day, continue my step work, and come back and do night shifts as an alumnus.

They make the transition very easy – you can come back as often as you like, you can even have all your meals there and just go home to sleep. They give you a voucher for groceries – I was able to fill my cupboards by using Quest – a nonprofit place that sells food that has almost reached its due date, for really cheap.

Until I went to Charlford I had never felt like I had a home. The transition helped so much – at other places it’s like “Ok, you’re done, see ‘ya.”

I stayed really busy after I left. I went back to school to finish my admin assistant certificate and also took financial skills classes. Eventually I started having my daughter again – first 2 nights a week, then 3, then 4, then full-time. I went to all sorts of different meetings outside of the ones I’d attended at the house and started meeting new people.

I did classes on positive parenting with boundaries. My daughter has been in care three times in her short life and I have a lot of issues around guilt. I also took my daughter to play therapy.

I did shadow shifts at the house once or twice a week. I wanted to stay connected, accountable and responsible. That’s what I love about Charlford – as long as you’re clean, you’ll always have a home.

Where I am now

As of March 11, 2009, I will have been clean for 17 months. My daughter and I live in an apartment that I got through ARP (Addiction Recovery Program) housing.

ARP is considered “second stage” housing. Basically you have no rights as a tenant for 18 months – if you are caught using, you can be evicted within 24 hours. My ARP worker is a Charlford alumni and she’s been sober for a decade. I have 8 months to go and then I can sign a lease with BC Housing and we can get a pet. We’re saving up right now to adopt a puppy through the SPCA.

I like to be busy. Right now, I’m doing trauma work in my drug and alcohol counseling. I saw a lot of nasty stuff when I was on the streets, and it is starting to come up for me now. I continue my journaling and step work. I started a step-working group with other women I met in the house.

I can still hardly believe it – I haven’t been this clean, ever. Now the only thing I put into my body is caffeine and sugar.

I still go to the house once or twice a week to volunteer and periodically phone to check in. I talk to my first roommate every day – she has 18 months sobriety. I stay in touch with the other women all the time. I make it a point to attend group so that the women can see that it’s possible to recover and have a good life – that’s what kept me going.

I’ve been doing a lot of clerical work at the house – so far I’ve done prep for the gala, record keeping, filing, and learning bookkeeping. Right now we’re working on scrapbooks, which is cool - I used to be really creative but it went away, now it’s starting to come back. Right now there’s no admin assistant on the Charlford payroll, but I’ve been told I’m first choice if and when that position comes up

I’d like to go back to school – specifically to the Community Social Service Worker program at Douglas College, but it looks like I won’t be able to do that for at least a year. But I know going back to school will open doors for me. I like working with older people, so maybe I’ll do that. Or I could work with at-risk youth and help steer them in the right direction so they can avoid what happened to me. Maybe I’ll end up back on the Downtown Eastside, helping people. I know I would be good at this type of work and I would enjoy it.

During my seven years on the streets I did pretty much anything you can think of, and I want to use that experience in a positive way to help others. Things happen for a reason – I am a better person for those 7 years. I know that.

*Not her real name